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14 November 2010 @ 04:27 pm
I’ve struggled with sexuality since I was a kid. My first crush was on Jennifer Aniston when I was 7 yrs old. Of course at the time I simply thought it meant that I wished she was my ‘cool Aunt’ or something along that platonic vein. But I guess I first started really questioning my sexuality when I was about 14 years old. The popular girl in my high school was suddenly paying attention to me. She and I were almost inseperable; and one sunny afternoon she told me out on the quad that she liked me. Since then I’ve always known that I like girls. Yet, I struggled immensely with this knowledge.

Why did I struggle? I feel like I’ve gone back inside the closet and come out of the closet (as many different labels: bisexual, lesbian, pansexual - the lot) over the course of 6 years. This was because my sexuality didn’t seem to make sense. I would be attracted to people regardless of gender a lot of the time, and also experienced very different types of attraction for every new person I became attracted to. It was difficult because every time I came out as gay, then friends would say I was straight when I became attracted to a guy, and vice versa. It’s only now that I can finally see what the struggle is all about. & that is: other people.

I’m not blaming other people directly, I’m talking about societal pressure to fit yourself within a label; to belong to a group, be that the majority or the minority. The struggle is not internal - it’s very much reliant on the external. Why do you get confused when you get a crush on someone of the same sex? Because you’ve been brought up to believe that this is out of the ordinary… that it’s something that has to dramatically change your life. This is not the case. Anything that you feel is normal. Every human being is so different from the previous - I still don’t understand why we spend so much time trying to be like someone else or comparing ourselves to others. You are so unique that there never has been nor never will be someone like you. Your sexuality is just something else that makes you unique. You don’t have to confused by what you feel and for whom, because at the end of the day - if something feels right to you, then it is right. Because this is your life and your world. Make it how you want to.

You should also remember that things change, you change. The beauty of life is that nothing is constant; this probably goes for your passions, tastes as well as your sexuality. Why should you have to go through an identity crisis whenever you like someone of the same/opposite sex? It’s like going through an identity crisis when you suddenly dislike eating ice cream after having been an avid fan for the majority of your life. Allow yourself to change and live in the moment. When people want you to label yourself, it’s so that they feel more in control - they want to be able to predict what you do and keep you inside a safe box. Reject that idea, never be safe, never live inside a box.

Remember that it’s your universe. What I’ve realised doesn’t only apply to sexuality; it applies to all aspects of your life.

Don’t try to paint your world by numbers set out for you, paint it however you want.
17 October 2010 @ 12:02 pm
So, I'm sick.

I find it interesting how the body usually caves in and stops fighting when your life's booming and in over drive due to an overwhelming amount of social drama and excitement. Maybe we get sick because we need to slow down. Being sick forces us to step back and be alone; chill out in order to heal ourselves.

I really feel like this year has been one of my biggest years to date. So much has happened in the course of just the last few months, and perhaps it's time to go into a pain killer induced coma and reflect. I need time and quiet to really understand the experiences I've had this year, and who I've consequently become.

For my last few weeks of uni I plan on taking it easy. Get better, eat better, be active and for god's sake DO THE UNI WORK. Then, after it's over I can indulge in a few ciders during a beach house road trip with buddies, and perhaps go overseas to see relatives but also spend some time alone.

Alone. I haven't been that in a long, long while.
06 October 2010 @ 04:15 pm
I really need to pick up my act with uni. I was already putting in about 10% of effort into every assessment (and even less into focussing in class or going to lectures... I don't think I've been to a lecture since the beginning of semester). But yeah, you know how it goes, you start living your life and academics usually fall to the wayside. I used to really enjoy school. I tried super hard, made friends with my teachers and suffered bullying for being too much of a nerd. I'd do it all for the praise at the end, though. For being liked by people - maybe not students - but by teachers and my parents and my relatives. I guess nowadays, I don't do things to be liked. I do things I like to do. Which means I've been living a rather hedonistic lifestyle and have been completely immersed in theatre - both of which do nothing for my degree. But I don't really care about that, as long as I get the degree - then I am happy.

My mind is so preoccupied with all the fun stuff that's been happening, all the people I've fallen in love with, and all the things I can't wait to do. There's very little to no space available for essays and boring 'in-the-box' thinking that university requires me to leave space for. But I'm going to have to try...

So, from today I am going to organise my end of year assessments properly. I'm going to get a spot on a post grad project for my 8 hours of field experience and bull shit my way through all the assessments that I probably should have started weeks ago. All I want is to pass.

After all, I'm not trying to get anyone to like me. It's just me. & if it's just me, then I'll do as I please.
30 September 2010 @ 01:17 pm
Things I am looking forward to:

* Summer. Going to the beach and poking at strange creatures in the rock pools. Going on boats out into the ocean and jumping into the deep, dark blue jelly. Going brown and watching my hair curl. Midnight skinny dipping. Late night bonfires on the sand and chasing after hermit crabs under a blanket of stars. Eating BBQ and lots of fresh seafood. Drinking frappes and smoothies. Sharing a beach house with friends and getting sunburnt with people I love, love, love.

* Travel. Going where I want to go. Feeling free; there are no walls - the options are endless. Making temporary friends with locals and ending up in places I never thought I would. Getting inspired by foreign art, concepts, fashion and beliefs.

* Theatre. Now that I know this is what I really love to do, I'm going to get together a team and start up a grass roots young theatre company, or intern at a big Canadian or British theatre and learn all the ropes of the professional industry.

* Moving out. I have set myself a date to move out between late February and early March next year. I want a beautiful flat on top of a cute store, or an apartment in what used to be a factory warehouse. Where ever I go it should have hardwood floors and big windows where the sunlight floods in. I'll decorate the place how I want. I'll live with other creative people; preferably people I love. I'll cook more and do more of what I want. Cover my room in books and fairylights. Invite my friends over, invite lovers over. Share, share, share.

* More. More of everything. More of what I already have. More of my friends. More life. More love. More of all the good shit.

Take your pleasure seriously.
18 September 2010 @ 06:12 pm
I like waking up at midday, sitting in bed and thinking about my dreams. I roll around in my sheets for a while before checking my favourite sites & blogs on the laptop. Eventually I drag myself out to the shower (or not), throw clothes on & steal my dad's deodorant (how come men's deo smells so comforting?). Then, I like to have a pastry at around 1pm - or perhaps a late brunch with a good friend at a good cafe. Nothing beats really starting your day in the afternoon, so by the time night rolls around you're ready to peak. So I go out and I see plays or eat 10pm dinners (which remind me of France) or go dancing and drinking with the multitudes of amazing people I have met this year.

Things are kinda swell, didn't you know?

p.s. I've been spending a lot of time scrapbooking via tumblr: tumblr.com/hannahmarymei
05 September 2010 @ 03:57 pm
I feel hopelessly inspired.

I don't really know what to do with it.

I'm in that awkward place in between the end of one era and the beginning of another. So much has ended, died, changed, moved on... so I've been dealing, remembering, letting go.

I won't lie, I've felt pretty rotten on some days. But then I'd sleep and somehow, in the morning, I felt better; I think your dreams work through a lot of emotions you don't really acknowledge and deal with when awake.

In my dreams I have been able to say goodbye. When awake I have a real hesitancy to do that.

And when awake, I keep getting this strong feeling as if I were in a different country. That surreal, lonely, beautiful feeling. I am craving travel so much.

It must be time to shed skin, again. I don't know why or what for. I just need to do it.

See you when I'm new.
01 September 2010 @ 12:08 pm

Why is it that moments are so nice whilst time itself isn't?
23 August 2010 @ 04:06 pm
Five things you will find if you open my bag:
1. script
2. scarf
3. moleskin notebook
4. tooth brush
5. gum

Five things in my bedroom:
1. vintage magazines
2. record player
3. lino prints
4. a dead bonzai pot belly fig tree
5. vodka

Five things I’ve always wanted to do in my life:
1. live in Canada
2. be paid to be on stage
3. speak another language fluently
4. write a novel
5. be nomadic

Five things that make me very happy:
1. theatre
2. real friends
3. good food
4. travelling
5. unexpected adventures

Five things I’m currently into:
1. musical theatre
2. bodies
3. Adriano Zumbo (the patisserie opened across the road)
4. french new wave
5. fairylights

Five things on my to-do list:
1. spring clean & redesign my room
2. cut half my hair off and dye the other
3. actually do my uni work
4. decide what I want
5. book tickets to the UK

Five things some people may or may not know about me:
1. I rarely forget my dreams
2. I can put both my legs behind my head
3. I can't avoid looking at my own reflection if the opportunity arises
4. I can't see the bottom of my belly button (or touch it)
5. I am attracted to jumping into bodies of water no matter the circumstances
02 August 2010 @ 10:54 pm

Only 1 week until the mean green mother from outer space takes over the Fig Tree theatre.

Book tickets to Little Shop of Horrors now!

(If not only to watch me jump around in ridiculous outfits and run away from giant man eating plants)
26 July 2010 @ 11:16 pm
Today I am grateful for:
* new (beautiful) friends
* italian soda pop
* campus adventures
* spontaneous dancing
* genuine hugs
* & this cute song...

but there's some joy at the start,
& for that I say it's worth it